Welcome Little Boo

Well its all over..... Ciara Cronin (Little Boo) was born just after 12 mid day 29/3/2010 I must say she gave me a surprise I was expecting a boy!!!!! Well I had convinced myself she was a boy but she was so cute and perfectly perfect!!!! Had the cutest button nose and cherub mouth and her daddys face and shape head, Ciara was very tall, doctors were surprised as we were that she was so tall and had a podgy belly so took after me that way!!! So we took lots of pictures and dressed her in little oufit with a white bonnet and wrapped her up in her basket. We also got prints of her hands and feet to hold on to as well as other little bits so she will always be a big part of our lives and even though she was born sleeping it does not mean she didnt make her mark..... Ciara mummy and daddy wanted you from start to finish and we will always love you xxxx

Sat 27th March..... Well its nearly time.... they decided Monday is to be the day when I will have Little Boo. Dont know if Im feeling better or worse about it. I had to go in to the Hospital 3 times last week to do bloods because somehow they messed up and kept needing to retake them and these are the people that are performing my surgery hmmmm..... Its been a hard 6 weeks to say the least with a lot of things going thru my mind from the whole why how what if and will we try again??? Well the consultant slammed the door shut firmly on the trying again being an option in the future unfortunately its a non runner so Little Boo will be our one and only baby together and we will just concentrate on the little ones we do have between us we are lucky that we have them as so many dont even have that. Not that I would have wanted to put myself thru all this again but always a part of you would start wanting but its just not possible and I cant risk anything happening that might leave my little ones without a mum... So wish me luck (if thats the term for this kind of thing) on Monday morning I will finally have this part over and then we can try and grieve maybe get closure. Life at times truly drives you to the brink but always something there to pull you back....

Friday 19th March.... Been a while since my last post, just needed to take a few days OFF well as off as i can get for the present anyway. Had my bllods done in my own doctors surgery to avoid having to hang around maternity hospital and I was nearlly sorry I did. It was a locum standing in for my own doctor which in itself I didnt mind but he had 3 students in there with him and that I normally wouldnt mind either but in the situation Im in I just wanted to get in there have the blood taken no conversation no questions but as my luck would have it this doctor had no idea what the bloods were for so he asked and I said he just needs to take some samples and send them to the maternity hospital to check against previous bloods but no this was not good enough he wanted the ins and outs of it all. Now I know the man is a doctor not a physcic but it was getting out of hand and in the end he kicked the students out of the room and made me go over the whole story again. I dont think he could quite believe it and asked me the same kind of "stupid" questions Iv had before, why, how, when and the one I love the best the what are they going to do???? I DONT KNOW!!!!!! Ah to be fair he was lovely about it when he got the story out of me but how many times do i need to go over it? He should have been informed or there should have been a note on my file as to why I was having the bloods done. The consultant arranged it all with my doctor so as I would not have to talk about it and explain it over and over. I hope I wont have to go through it all again! I have to meet with senior consultant on Monday 22nt though I dont know why as they have said no plans in place till end of the month! Im carrying the baby coming up to 5 weeks now and in one way its like only yesterday and in another its like its been years and then other times it feels like its not even happening!!

Thursday 11th March.... Apart from still having to answer stupid questions Im coping pretty okish on daily basis but no its not "done and dusted" as I was asked today I get so annoyed at times do people not realise this is my baby the same baby I felt move and kick and saw on scans I wonder if I carried full term would I get the same attitude??? Makes me so angry do people not realise it is hard enough without stupid comments so please think first before saying something that just makes it harder!!!! I decided yesterday I had enough of the hospital also and that I would prefer going to my doctor surgery to get the bloods done its just too hard to be going in and out of that hospital when I have no reason other than letting the doctors up there see that yes I am still here and no nothing has changed.... So they arranged that I can go to my doctor instead at least I will have no waiting around and no happy new mums or dads walking around me not that I begrudge them its just hard for me right now to see all that and be faced with all that we have lost even though I think about it constantly anyway!!

Monday 8th March.... Still very tired... cant face a lot of people. Find I cant get to sleep at night am awake just lying there with thoughts and questions going through my head. Midwife rang me today asking how I felt I couldnt help but laugh. She said to come in on Wednesday for more blood tests and they didnt have any results from last week as they had nothing to camoare them to which makes sense I suppose. She asked if I felt ok and was anything happening and I was going to go into a whole big conversation about my week just to keep her hanging on and pay her back for asking such dopey questions but I didnt have the energy!!!! Truth be told Im sick of it its 3 weeks tomorrow and Im still waiting for that closure. Part of me is thinking well as long as Little Boo is in me I still have my baby close and Im dreading the day I finally "lose" my baby but then part of me is wanting to just get see the end and I can try to move on. Its very hard to describe what its like, Im pregnant but Im not pregnant, Im 24 weeks tomorrow but Im not. I should be getting kicked around the place but there is nothing only stillness and my mind playing tricks. When Im out it feels like everyone is looking at me and the ones that dont know what happened ask how are things with the baby and sometimes I find myself lying and smiling saying all is good and just for a while I can pretend all is as it should be and Ill have a lovely little baby in a couple of months time... Its nice to pretend....

Windows Live Hotmail

Windows Live Hotmail: "Ask My Mom How She Is

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies
she never did before
From now until she dies,
she'll tell a whole lot more
Ask my mom how she is
and because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say 'I'm alright'
If that's the truth, than tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how she is,
she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
'I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping'
For Gods sake Mom, just tell the truth
just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is she
she'll lie and say she's fine
I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
we'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, 'You're lucky to get in here, Mom
with all the lies you told!'"

Thursday 4th March.... Not too bad a day today, was very tired yesterday after my trip to the hospital. They took 9 bottles of my blood and couldnt get anymore after that. Left a big bruise on my arm. Spoke to my consultant mentioned how tired I get lately and asked how things were progressing and if there was any plans in place yet so she told me there would be a definate end to this one way or another at the end of March so Ill just have to hang in there for now. Sometimes I actually forget this is all happening to me but its not long til I remember again there is always something to remind me from the girl in the garage with her baby bump to the deli that used to badly turn my stomach!!!!! I had a bit of a cry yesterday over the fact the smell in the deli no longer makes me want to throw up it is just another of the daily signs I get that I no longer have a baby to look forward to. Trying to focus on all the other things that I do have but its difficult!!! I signed up online to do hairdressing that I always wanted to do when I was younger I just want to focus my energy on something positive, anything to help me through the next few weeks!!! Life goes on, I see bumps everywhere, hear it everyday how others are blloming and getting on so well and while Im truly delighted for them it can be hard not to have a lot of other emotions running through me like jelousy, hate, anger, sadness, grief, confusion, heartache and emptiness. Iv never in my life felt such a mix of emotions and it gets very hard trying to deal with it while Im still carrying Little Boo. There are lots of times during the day that my body plays nasty, evil tricks on me and I swear I feel Little Boo moving its so distressing when that happens but its just another part I have to deal with until its over...