Sunday 28th Feb.... Woke up this mornig knowing it would be a challenging day. I had it in my mind I needed to put away the little things that I had bought for our baby and I also needed to tell the kids. So I took the little winnie the pooh outfit out of my wardrobe along with the vests, babygros, socks and bootees and I sat on the bed and cried while I packed away all the hopes and dreams I had held for the last 23 weeks. I took my time not quite wanting to make that final step of putting them away forever so I sat there just running my hands over the tiny outfits and wishing it was all a bad dream but knowing its real. I put everything in the bag one item at a time and holding them close as I do it and just trying to picture how cute Little Boo would have looked in all these little bits I had picked out and I remember how happy I was buying them and how I had taken a picture on my mobile and sent it to my sister, I can still feel that excitement I felt then but now it breaks my heart instead of making me smile. Finally Im ready to close the bag and push my dreams to the back of the highest shelf in Alans wardrobe, as if somehow putting them in his will help but it doesnt. So that was that and next was telling Courtney,9, JJ,7, and Tamara who is only 5. I sit with a smile painted on and I say to Courtney, Hey, guess what and she turns, smiles, and says "ya mam"? I start by saying do you remember a few weeks ago how I said babies sometimes grow wings and fly away out of their mummys belly and she frowns and says yes so I continue by saying well guess what this baby did and she smiles and says it is after growing some wings and has flown up to Heaven. So she asks a few questions like is the baby doing a job and will it come back?? She then says maybe it is playing DS games or art or baking cakes and that makes me smile!! Courtney is Autistic and while Im never thrilled about that at times I am relieved as it means she easilly accepts what I tell her in difficult situations and doesnt see badness in what has happened which is a huge relief to me. Then we tell JJ and Tamara the whole story over again and they also are very accepting of this!! Me and Alan tell them how much we love them and how they make us very happy and while they are dissapointed there wont be a baby now they seem more concerned about the fact I dont have the energy to take them to the park!!!! Im glad they took it well and Im glad we were able to hold it together for them. I couldnt let them go to school tomorrow not knowing because I was afraid someone would say something to one of them and then it would totally confuse them!!! We were meant to be going to Alans brothers house today but I just could not face it, the thoughts of going out back in to normal life is very hard and it gets tougher when Im asked questions, how do I answer the how are you feeling questions??? Do I say ya Im ok Im just carrying my dead baby inside me and I have no idea when that will change, how do I explain what I dont fully understand myself, and the confused looks about how the doctors cant do anything and have I asked what will they do and when will they do it. Well the only answer I have so far is your guess is as good as mine!!!

Sat 27th feb... Im very tired I dont know is it physical or emotional or both!! I cant explain what it is like really. Its on my mind most of the time and I tried finding my own answers online but what I found only scared me all the more so I think maybe I wont do that again. I dread any twinge now and the constant feeling of dread is going to stay with me to the end. Even the simple tasks of normal life seem pointless. I want to kick, scream, lash out but I cant, if I start I might not stop. I try not to think too much of the baby inside me and how it must be withering away like a flower that is dying and I cant do anything about it. If I could just see what is going on inside my own body maybe I could get more of an understanding of what is going on. A million times I ask myself how can I be the only one this has happened to??? How is it that in this day and age the doctors have never experienced this and how is it possible they do not know what to do to "fix" me??? What will the outcome of all this be??? How long will this go on for before some doctor finds the answers??? Is there a doctor even looking for an answer or will I be stuck in a warped reality for god knows how long! It crosses my mind that maybe I can ignore what is going on and it will go away but that seems almost as crazy as the situation Im in now. All the questions and no answers....

where do I fit in???

Tuesday 16th Feb.... A day just like any other except it wasnt.... I go for routine check up with my doctor and he could not find my babys heartbeat. This is the start of my decent into a hell I never could have imagined. My doctor sent me to the hospital for a scan.... just to be safe... but I knew.... I lost my little Boo. I called my baby little Boo from early on in my pregnancy. So I lay on that bed and had the scan, I knew by looking my baby had no heartbeat, Iv had enough scans I knew what I was looking for and it was not there, that little flash was nowhere to be seen just a terrible stillness. I cried so hard, cried like I never cried in my life. The doctor came and spoke to me and Alan asked if we wanted to come in that day to induce the baby. I could not face it that day and also I had 3 other children I needed to arrange care for so I said I would return on Friday morning.

Friday 19th Feb.... I go in to the hospital to be induced. I go through my previous pregnancies with the doctors as I had always had c sections so they decide Im to be induced slowly and gentley to minimise risk of my womb rupturing. Im very frightened and stressed but I understand why it needs to be done this way. The weekend goes on with me in the hospital and no sign of my body doing what its meant to do!!

Monday 22nd Feb.... Im told I need to be on the labour ward just in case of emergency. Its hell being down there with women coming and going and here I am my baby dead inside me and listening to newborns taking their first lung full of air. God help me this is too cruel. Im taking a second course of tablets to bring on labour but its not working. Im asking for them to just end this but they say operating is way too dangerous. I hav a bicornuate womb and its complicated but for me it has meant I cant labour naturally. So I keep taking the tablets hoping and praying it will happen but Im hoping against hope. Im so so sad. I miss my babies at home.

Tuesday 23rd Feb... Im still hoping and wishing my stupid broken body will do just one thing right by me and Little Boo. Im walking around like a zombie asking why cant you help me??? But I get the same answers, too dangerous. So I continue with these tablets that ALWAYS work on "normal" women!!!! I hope and pray again that it will happen. A doctor tells me we will do scan tomorrow and surgery.

Wednesday 24th Feb.... The tablets are like sweets for all they have done to me and now on top of everything my body is playing cruel tricks on me, whenever I feel a twinge I get a bit excited but then I think you silly silly fool why are you getting excited, you have nothing to show at the end of this only a dead baby!!!!! So I take their tablets again and wait!!! A consultant comes to see me and says something that gives me a little hope that there is and end to this nightmare and I can begin grieving for my lost baby!!! He tells me that if nothing happens over night then I will have the surgery the following day!!!! So Im fasting from midnight and taking more tablets.

Thursday 25th Feb.... Another consultant comes in and gives me another different story again!!!! She now says I cant have surgery and that there are different options one of which was to have my baby come out in bits and pieces!!!!!! How can they even suggest something so cruel??? Did they not even think of the horrific images I had in my head, an arm here, a leg there, a head on its own???? It was the stuff of horror movies and traumatised me deeply. Do what you want to me but DO NOT harm my baby!!!!! So she says surgery is out sheis consulting with a very experienced senior consultant about this as she has admitted none of them know what to do with me they have never come across anything like this in their careers. So Im sitting on the bed crying, terrified and traumatised and listening to all the new life on the labour ward. Im there untill lunch time when the senior consultant comes in and decides Iv been through enough and I can go home where hopefully things will either start as nature intended or if not then they will review my case in 4 weeks time. I am told to come back for weekly blood tests and I will work with a close team of top consultants. I dont ask any questions really I just want to run out the door Iv been there a week!!! I know I have to live day to day knowing I am carrying my dead baby inside me and its really hard but what was the alternative.... sit there waiting.... sit at home waiting???? What would you do???? So home it is and I cant wait to see my babies but they will spend tonight with my sister. Iv lied to them all week told them I needed to mind their nana as she is sick but Im lying to protect them. They lost their dad 2 weeks ago I cant tell them the baby has gone too so I will keep lying and I will tell them the baby grew wings and flew to heaven on a very important mission. They are young and accepting. But they trust me and I have lied but I must protect them from the terrible truth and maybe part of me is believing this lie also and its comforting me not to think of my baby having died but only gone on a very important mission???


Friday 26th Feb.... I try to think of ways to keep me sane in the weeks to come. I have no closure. Im still pregnant but Im not, Im a walking coffin. I hugged my babies and made everything seem normal for them but it is far from how Im feeling. Its like Im in some kind of parallel world or a bubble looking out and I cant seem to fit into this life when Im carrying death around with me daily but I cant grieve yet. Im in limbo. Alan is fantastic he is trying to cope with a loss also but we dont have a clue what to do. He is so strong for me. Now all I can do is keep this blog and put everything I hav into this. Everything I am feeling and will feel for the next few weeks untill there is finally an ending to this part and we can grieve for the baby we have lost because untill my baby is out how do I even try to move on in some way???