Welcome Little Boo

Well its all over..... Ciara Cronin (Little Boo) was born just after 12 mid day 29/3/2010 I must say she gave me a surprise I was expecting a boy!!!!! Well I had convinced myself she was a boy but she was so cute and perfectly perfect!!!! Had the cutest button nose and cherub mouth and her daddys face and shape head, Ciara was very tall, doctors were surprised as we were that she was so tall and had a podgy belly so took after me that way!!! So we took lots of pictures and dressed her in little oufit with a white bonnet and wrapped her up in her basket. We also got prints of her hands and feet to hold on to as well as other little bits so she will always be a big part of our lives and even though she was born sleeping it does not mean she didnt make her mark..... Ciara mummy and daddy wanted you from start to finish and we will always love you xxxx

Sat 27th March..... Well its nearly time.... they decided Monday is to be the day when I will have Little Boo. Dont know if Im feeling better or worse about it. I had to go in to the Hospital 3 times last week to do bloods because somehow they messed up and kept needing to retake them and these are the people that are performing my surgery hmmmm..... Its been a hard 6 weeks to say the least with a lot of things going thru my mind from the whole why how what if and will we try again??? Well the consultant slammed the door shut firmly on the trying again being an option in the future unfortunately its a non runner so Little Boo will be our one and only baby together and we will just concentrate on the little ones we do have between us we are lucky that we have them as so many dont even have that. Not that I would have wanted to put myself thru all this again but always a part of you would start wanting but its just not possible and I cant risk anything happening that might leave my little ones without a mum... So wish me luck (if thats the term for this kind of thing) on Monday morning I will finally have this part over and then we can try and grieve maybe get closure. Life at times truly drives you to the brink but always something there to pull you back....

Friday 19th March.... Been a while since my last post, just needed to take a few days OFF well as off as i can get for the present anyway. Had my bllods done in my own doctors surgery to avoid having to hang around maternity hospital and I was nearlly sorry I did. It was a locum standing in for my own doctor which in itself I didnt mind but he had 3 students in there with him and that I normally wouldnt mind either but in the situation Im in I just wanted to get in there have the blood taken no conversation no questions but as my luck would have it this doctor had no idea what the bloods were for so he asked and I said he just needs to take some samples and send them to the maternity hospital to check against previous bloods but no this was not good enough he wanted the ins and outs of it all. Now I know the man is a doctor not a physcic but it was getting out of hand and in the end he kicked the students out of the room and made me go over the whole story again. I dont think he could quite believe it and asked me the same kind of "stupid" questions Iv had before, why, how, when and the one I love the best the what are they going to do???? I DONT KNOW!!!!!! Ah to be fair he was lovely about it when he got the story out of me but how many times do i need to go over it? He should have been informed or there should have been a note on my file as to why I was having the bloods done. The consultant arranged it all with my doctor so as I would not have to talk about it and explain it over and over. I hope I wont have to go through it all again! I have to meet with senior consultant on Monday 22nt though I dont know why as they have said no plans in place till end of the month! Im carrying the baby coming up to 5 weeks now and in one way its like only yesterday and in another its like its been years and then other times it feels like its not even happening!!

Thursday 11th March.... Apart from still having to answer stupid questions Im coping pretty okish on daily basis but no its not "done and dusted" as I was asked today I get so annoyed at times do people not realise this is my baby the same baby I felt move and kick and saw on scans I wonder if I carried full term would I get the same attitude??? Makes me so angry do people not realise it is hard enough without stupid comments so please think first before saying something that just makes it harder!!!! I decided yesterday I had enough of the hospital also and that I would prefer going to my doctor surgery to get the bloods done its just too hard to be going in and out of that hospital when I have no reason other than letting the doctors up there see that yes I am still here and no nothing has changed.... So they arranged that I can go to my doctor instead at least I will have no waiting around and no happy new mums or dads walking around me not that I begrudge them its just hard for me right now to see all that and be faced with all that we have lost even though I think about it constantly anyway!!

Monday 8th March.... Still very tired... cant face a lot of people. Find I cant get to sleep at night am awake just lying there with thoughts and questions going through my head. Midwife rang me today asking how I felt I couldnt help but laugh. She said to come in on Wednesday for more blood tests and they didnt have any results from last week as they had nothing to camoare them to which makes sense I suppose. She asked if I felt ok and was anything happening and I was going to go into a whole big conversation about my week just to keep her hanging on and pay her back for asking such dopey questions but I didnt have the energy!!!! Truth be told Im sick of it its 3 weeks tomorrow and Im still waiting for that closure. Part of me is thinking well as long as Little Boo is in me I still have my baby close and Im dreading the day I finally "lose" my baby but then part of me is wanting to just get see the end and I can try to move on. Its very hard to describe what its like, Im pregnant but Im not pregnant, Im 24 weeks tomorrow but Im not. I should be getting kicked around the place but there is nothing only stillness and my mind playing tricks. When Im out it feels like everyone is looking at me and the ones that dont know what happened ask how are things with the baby and sometimes I find myself lying and smiling saying all is good and just for a while I can pretend all is as it should be and Ill have a lovely little baby in a couple of months time... Its nice to pretend....

Windows Live Hotmail

Windows Live Hotmail: "Ask My Mom How She Is

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies
she never did before
From now until she dies,
she'll tell a whole lot more
Ask my mom how she is
and because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say 'I'm alright'
If that's the truth, than tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how she is,
she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
'I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping'
For Gods sake Mom, just tell the truth
just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is she
she'll lie and say she's fine
I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
we'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, 'You're lucky to get in here, Mom
with all the lies you told!'"

Thursday 4th March.... Not too bad a day today, was very tired yesterday after my trip to the hospital. They took 9 bottles of my blood and couldnt get anymore after that. Left a big bruise on my arm. Spoke to my consultant mentioned how tired I get lately and asked how things were progressing and if there was any plans in place yet so she told me there would be a definate end to this one way or another at the end of March so Ill just have to hang in there for now. Sometimes I actually forget this is all happening to me but its not long til I remember again there is always something to remind me from the girl in the garage with her baby bump to the deli that used to badly turn my stomach!!!!! I had a bit of a cry yesterday over the fact the smell in the deli no longer makes me want to throw up it is just another of the daily signs I get that I no longer have a baby to look forward to. Trying to focus on all the other things that I do have but its difficult!!! I signed up online to do hairdressing that I always wanted to do when I was younger I just want to focus my energy on something positive, anything to help me through the next few weeks!!! Life goes on, I see bumps everywhere, hear it everyday how others are blloming and getting on so well and while Im truly delighted for them it can be hard not to have a lot of other emotions running through me like jelousy, hate, anger, sadness, grief, confusion, heartache and emptiness. Iv never in my life felt such a mix of emotions and it gets very hard trying to deal with it while Im still carrying Little Boo. There are lots of times during the day that my body plays nasty, evil tricks on me and I swear I feel Little Boo moving its so distressing when that happens but its just another part I have to deal with until its over...

Tuesday 2nd March..... Its 7pm and Im in bed... so tired even though I had a nap today I just get tired so easy these days and Im wondering has it got to do with carrying the baby or just emotionally drained??? Didnt have the energy or the mind to write in my blog last night. Still getting asked some pretty stupid questions... well stupid to me but of course people are kind of wondering what the hell is going on and I guess I cant blame them for that but its just exauhsting repeating myself so from now on it will be a case of REFER TO BLOG!!! The kids are settling back in to routine easily tho Tam does question me now and again about the baby and wether its back in my belly yet but she is young so I expect she wont quite get it. I have the hospital in the morning cant say Im looking forward to it but it has to be done and maybe they might have found some answer as to how long more I will hav to carry the baby before something can be done. I have some great friends that dont look for constant explanations and some of you that have the sense to just be there and not ask me constant questions but come on here for updates and it means a lot to me that ye do xx Hopefully Il get some sort of time frame tomorrow as to when this will end but the last couple of days I just cant shake the feeling they are waiting for my baby just to fall away to nothing inside me than say my only option will be a d&c and I wont even have a baby to bury at the end of this which is my nightmare its the only thing I could cling to all along was laying little Boo to rest... just have to wait and see now...

Sunday 28th Feb.... Woke up this mornig knowing it would be a challenging day. I had it in my mind I needed to put away the little things that I had bought for our baby and I also needed to tell the kids. So I took the little winnie the pooh outfit out of my wardrobe along with the vests, babygros, socks and bootees and I sat on the bed and cried while I packed away all the hopes and dreams I had held for the last 23 weeks. I took my time not quite wanting to make that final step of putting them away forever so I sat there just running my hands over the tiny outfits and wishing it was all a bad dream but knowing its real. I put everything in the bag one item at a time and holding them close as I do it and just trying to picture how cute Little Boo would have looked in all these little bits I had picked out and I remember how happy I was buying them and how I had taken a picture on my mobile and sent it to my sister, I can still feel that excitement I felt then but now it breaks my heart instead of making me smile. Finally Im ready to close the bag and push my dreams to the back of the highest shelf in Alans wardrobe, as if somehow putting them in his will help but it doesnt. So that was that and next was telling Courtney,9, JJ,7, and Tamara who is only 5. I sit with a smile painted on and I say to Courtney, Hey, guess what and she turns, smiles, and says "ya mam"? I start by saying do you remember a few weeks ago how I said babies sometimes grow wings and fly away out of their mummys belly and she frowns and says yes so I continue by saying well guess what this baby did and she smiles and says it is after growing some wings and has flown up to Heaven. So she asks a few questions like is the baby doing a job and will it come back?? She then says maybe it is playing DS games or art or baking cakes and that makes me smile!! Courtney is Autistic and while Im never thrilled about that at times I am relieved as it means she easilly accepts what I tell her in difficult situations and doesnt see badness in what has happened which is a huge relief to me. Then we tell JJ and Tamara the whole story over again and they also are very accepting of this!! Me and Alan tell them how much we love them and how they make us very happy and while they are dissapointed there wont be a baby now they seem more concerned about the fact I dont have the energy to take them to the park!!!! Im glad they took it well and Im glad we were able to hold it together for them. I couldnt let them go to school tomorrow not knowing because I was afraid someone would say something to one of them and then it would totally confuse them!!! We were meant to be going to Alans brothers house today but I just could not face it, the thoughts of going out back in to normal life is very hard and it gets tougher when Im asked questions, how do I answer the how are you feeling questions??? Do I say ya Im ok Im just carrying my dead baby inside me and I have no idea when that will change, how do I explain what I dont fully understand myself, and the confused looks about how the doctors cant do anything and have I asked what will they do and when will they do it. Well the only answer I have so far is your guess is as good as mine!!!

Sat 27th feb... Im very tired I dont know is it physical or emotional or both!! I cant explain what it is like really. Its on my mind most of the time and I tried finding my own answers online but what I found only scared me all the more so I think maybe I wont do that again. I dread any twinge now and the constant feeling of dread is going to stay with me to the end. Even the simple tasks of normal life seem pointless. I want to kick, scream, lash out but I cant, if I start I might not stop. I try not to think too much of the baby inside me and how it must be withering away like a flower that is dying and I cant do anything about it. If I could just see what is going on inside my own body maybe I could get more of an understanding of what is going on. A million times I ask myself how can I be the only one this has happened to??? How is it that in this day and age the doctors have never experienced this and how is it possible they do not know what to do to "fix" me??? What will the outcome of all this be??? How long will this go on for before some doctor finds the answers??? Is there a doctor even looking for an answer or will I be stuck in a warped reality for god knows how long! It crosses my mind that maybe I can ignore what is going on and it will go away but that seems almost as crazy as the situation Im in now. All the questions and no answers....

where do I fit in???

Tuesday 16th Feb.... A day just like any other except it wasnt.... I go for routine check up with my doctor and he could not find my babys heartbeat. This is the start of my decent into a hell I never could have imagined. My doctor sent me to the hospital for a scan.... just to be safe... but I knew.... I lost my little Boo. I called my baby little Boo from early on in my pregnancy. So I lay on that bed and had the scan, I knew by looking my baby had no heartbeat, Iv had enough scans I knew what I was looking for and it was not there, that little flash was nowhere to be seen just a terrible stillness. I cried so hard, cried like I never cried in my life. The doctor came and spoke to me and Alan asked if we wanted to come in that day to induce the baby. I could not face it that day and also I had 3 other children I needed to arrange care for so I said I would return on Friday morning.

Friday 19th Feb.... I go in to the hospital to be induced. I go through my previous pregnancies with the doctors as I had always had c sections so they decide Im to be induced slowly and gentley to minimise risk of my womb rupturing. Im very frightened and stressed but I understand why it needs to be done this way. The weekend goes on with me in the hospital and no sign of my body doing what its meant to do!!

Monday 22nd Feb.... Im told I need to be on the labour ward just in case of emergency. Its hell being down there with women coming and going and here I am my baby dead inside me and listening to newborns taking their first lung full of air. God help me this is too cruel. Im taking a second course of tablets to bring on labour but its not working. Im asking for them to just end this but they say operating is way too dangerous. I hav a bicornuate womb and its complicated but for me it has meant I cant labour naturally. So I keep taking the tablets hoping and praying it will happen but Im hoping against hope. Im so so sad. I miss my babies at home.

Tuesday 23rd Feb... Im still hoping and wishing my stupid broken body will do just one thing right by me and Little Boo. Im walking around like a zombie asking why cant you help me??? But I get the same answers, too dangerous. So I continue with these tablets that ALWAYS work on "normal" women!!!! I hope and pray again that it will happen. A doctor tells me we will do scan tomorrow and surgery.

Wednesday 24th Feb.... The tablets are like sweets for all they have done to me and now on top of everything my body is playing cruel tricks on me, whenever I feel a twinge I get a bit excited but then I think you silly silly fool why are you getting excited, you have nothing to show at the end of this only a dead baby!!!!! So I take their tablets again and wait!!! A consultant comes to see me and says something that gives me a little hope that there is and end to this nightmare and I can begin grieving for my lost baby!!! He tells me that if nothing happens over night then I will have the surgery the following day!!!! So Im fasting from midnight and taking more tablets.

Thursday 25th Feb.... Another consultant comes in and gives me another different story again!!!! She now says I cant have surgery and that there are different options one of which was to have my baby come out in bits and pieces!!!!!! How can they even suggest something so cruel??? Did they not even think of the horrific images I had in my head, an arm here, a leg there, a head on its own???? It was the stuff of horror movies and traumatised me deeply. Do what you want to me but DO NOT harm my baby!!!!! So she says surgery is out sheis consulting with a very experienced senior consultant about this as she has admitted none of them know what to do with me they have never come across anything like this in their careers. So Im sitting on the bed crying, terrified and traumatised and listening to all the new life on the labour ward. Im there untill lunch time when the senior consultant comes in and decides Iv been through enough and I can go home where hopefully things will either start as nature intended or if not then they will review my case in 4 weeks time. I am told to come back for weekly blood tests and I will work with a close team of top consultants. I dont ask any questions really I just want to run out the door Iv been there a week!!! I know I have to live day to day knowing I am carrying my dead baby inside me and its really hard but what was the alternative.... sit there waiting.... sit at home waiting???? What would you do???? So home it is and I cant wait to see my babies but they will spend tonight with my sister. Iv lied to them all week told them I needed to mind their nana as she is sick but Im lying to protect them. They lost their dad 2 weeks ago I cant tell them the baby has gone too so I will keep lying and I will tell them the baby grew wings and flew to heaven on a very important mission. They are young and accepting. But they trust me and I have lied but I must protect them from the terrible truth and maybe part of me is believing this lie also and its comforting me not to think of my baby having died but only gone on a very important mission???


Friday 26th Feb.... I try to think of ways to keep me sane in the weeks to come. I have no closure. Im still pregnant but Im not, Im a walking coffin. I hugged my babies and made everything seem normal for them but it is far from how Im feeling. Its like Im in some kind of parallel world or a bubble looking out and I cant seem to fit into this life when Im carrying death around with me daily but I cant grieve yet. Im in limbo. Alan is fantastic he is trying to cope with a loss also but we dont have a clue what to do. He is so strong for me. Now all I can do is keep this blog and put everything I hav into this. Everything I am feeling and will feel for the next few weeks untill there is finally an ending to this part and we can grieve for the baby we have lost because untill my baby is out how do I even try to move on in some way???