where do I fit in???

Tuesday 16th Feb.... A day just like any other except it wasnt.... I go for routine check up with my doctor and he could not find my babys heartbeat. This is the start of my decent into a hell I never could have imagined. My doctor sent me to the hospital for a scan.... just to be safe... but I knew.... I lost my little Boo. I called my baby little Boo from early on in my pregnancy. So I lay on that bed and had the scan, I knew by looking my baby had no heartbeat, Iv had enough scans I knew what I was looking for and it was not there, that little flash was nowhere to be seen just a terrible stillness. I cried so hard, cried like I never cried in my life. The doctor came and spoke to me and Alan asked if we wanted to come in that day to induce the baby. I could not face it that day and also I had 3 other children I needed to arrange care for so I said I would return on Friday morning.

Friday 19th Feb.... I go in to the hospital to be induced. I go through my previous pregnancies with the doctors as I had always had c sections so they decide Im to be induced slowly and gentley to minimise risk of my womb rupturing. Im very frightened and stressed but I understand why it needs to be done this way. The weekend goes on with me in the hospital and no sign of my body doing what its meant to do!!

Monday 22nd Feb.... Im told I need to be on the labour ward just in case of emergency. Its hell being down there with women coming and going and here I am my baby dead inside me and listening to newborns taking their first lung full of air. God help me this is too cruel. Im taking a second course of tablets to bring on labour but its not working. Im asking for them to just end this but they say operating is way too dangerous. I hav a bicornuate womb and its complicated but for me it has meant I cant labour naturally. So I keep taking the tablets hoping and praying it will happen but Im hoping against hope. Im so so sad. I miss my babies at home.

Tuesday 23rd Feb... Im still hoping and wishing my stupid broken body will do just one thing right by me and Little Boo. Im walking around like a zombie asking why cant you help me??? But I get the same answers, too dangerous. So I continue with these tablets that ALWAYS work on "normal" women!!!! I hope and pray again that it will happen. A doctor tells me we will do scan tomorrow and surgery.

Wednesday 24th Feb.... The tablets are like sweets for all they have done to me and now on top of everything my body is playing cruel tricks on me, whenever I feel a twinge I get a bit excited but then I think you silly silly fool why are you getting excited, you have nothing to show at the end of this only a dead baby!!!!! So I take their tablets again and wait!!! A consultant comes to see me and says something that gives me a little hope that there is and end to this nightmare and I can begin grieving for my lost baby!!! He tells me that if nothing happens over night then I will have the surgery the following day!!!! So Im fasting from midnight and taking more tablets.

Thursday 25th Feb.... Another consultant comes in and gives me another different story again!!!! She now says I cant have surgery and that there are different options one of which was to have my baby come out in bits and pieces!!!!!! How can they even suggest something so cruel??? Did they not even think of the horrific images I had in my head, an arm here, a leg there, a head on its own???? It was the stuff of horror movies and traumatised me deeply. Do what you want to me but DO NOT harm my baby!!!!! So she says surgery is out sheis consulting with a very experienced senior consultant about this as she has admitted none of them know what to do with me they have never come across anything like this in their careers. So Im sitting on the bed crying, terrified and traumatised and listening to all the new life on the labour ward. Im there untill lunch time when the senior consultant comes in and decides Iv been through enough and I can go home where hopefully things will either start as nature intended or if not then they will review my case in 4 weeks time. I am told to come back for weekly blood tests and I will work with a close team of top consultants. I dont ask any questions really I just want to run out the door Iv been there a week!!! I know I have to live day to day knowing I am carrying my dead baby inside me and its really hard but what was the alternative.... sit there waiting.... sit at home waiting???? What would you do???? So home it is and I cant wait to see my babies but they will spend tonight with my sister. Iv lied to them all week told them I needed to mind their nana as she is sick but Im lying to protect them. They lost their dad 2 weeks ago I cant tell them the baby has gone too so I will keep lying and I will tell them the baby grew wings and flew to heaven on a very important mission. They are young and accepting. But they trust me and I have lied but I must protect them from the terrible truth and maybe part of me is believing this lie also and its comforting me not to think of my baby having died but only gone on a very important mission???


Friday 26th Feb.... I try to think of ways to keep me sane in the weeks to come. I have no closure. Im still pregnant but Im not, Im a walking coffin. I hugged my babies and made everything seem normal for them but it is far from how Im feeling. Its like Im in some kind of parallel world or a bubble looking out and I cant seem to fit into this life when Im carrying death around with me daily but I cant grieve yet. Im in limbo. Alan is fantastic he is trying to cope with a loss also but we dont have a clue what to do. He is so strong for me. Now all I can do is keep this blog and put everything I hav into this. Everything I am feeling and will feel for the next few weeks untill there is finally an ending to this part and we can grieve for the baby we have lost because untill my baby is out how do I even try to move on in some way???