Sunday 28th Feb.... Woke up this mornig knowing it would be a challenging day. I had it in my mind I needed to put away the little things that I had bought for our baby and I also needed to tell the kids. So I took the little winnie the pooh outfit out of my wardrobe along with the vests, babygros, socks and bootees and I sat on the bed and cried while I packed away all the hopes and dreams I had held for the last 23 weeks. I took my time not quite wanting to make that final step of putting them away forever so I sat there just running my hands over the tiny outfits and wishing it was all a bad dream but knowing its real. I put everything in the bag one item at a time and holding them close as I do it and just trying to picture how cute Little Boo would have looked in all these little bits I had picked out and I remember how happy I was buying them and how I had taken a picture on my mobile and sent it to my sister, I can still feel that excitement I felt then but now it breaks my heart instead of making me smile. Finally Im ready to close the bag and push my dreams to the back of the highest shelf in Alans wardrobe, as if somehow putting them in his will help but it doesnt. So that was that and next was telling Courtney,9, JJ,7, and Tamara who is only 5. I sit with a smile painted on and I say to Courtney, Hey, guess what and she turns, smiles, and says "ya mam"? I start by saying do you remember a few weeks ago how I said babies sometimes grow wings and fly away out of their mummys belly and she frowns and says yes so I continue by saying well guess what this baby did and she smiles and says it is after growing some wings and has flown up to Heaven. So she asks a few questions like is the baby doing a job and will it come back?? She then says maybe it is playing DS games or art or baking cakes and that makes me smile!! Courtney is Autistic and while Im never thrilled about that at times I am relieved as it means she easilly accepts what I tell her in difficult situations and doesnt see badness in what has happened which is a huge relief to me. Then we tell JJ and Tamara the whole story over again and they also are very accepting of this!! Me and Alan tell them how much we love them and how they make us very happy and while they are dissapointed there wont be a baby now they seem more concerned about the fact I dont have the energy to take them to the park!!!! Im glad they took it well and Im glad we were able to hold it together for them. I couldnt let them go to school tomorrow not knowing because I was afraid someone would say something to one of them and then it would totally confuse them!!! We were meant to be going to Alans brothers house today but I just could not face it, the thoughts of going out back in to normal life is very hard and it gets tougher when Im asked questions, how do I answer the how are you feeling questions??? Do I say ya Im ok Im just carrying my dead baby inside me and I have no idea when that will change, how do I explain what I dont fully understand myself, and the confused looks about how the doctors cant do anything and have I asked what will they do and when will they do it. Well the only answer I have so far is your guess is as good as mine!!!